Top 5 Headlines from around the internet

I was going to pick a poignant topic for this week’s High 5.  You know, take a popular news piece, cut it in half, and pull out a few strands of comedy.  That was before I realized how awful people are at writing headlines for online articles.  Us Magazine, CNN, People, MSNBC, they’re all guilty.  Here are the five funniest I came across during my brief comb through the interwebs.

5. Demi Moore Wears $35 H&M Pants on the Red Carpet

This one really ticks me off.  Who does Demi Moore think she is?  Some poor person!? If someone is going to spend the time to lay down red carpet where there wasn’t already red carpet the night before, you could at least try and look nice.

4. Somali pirates get 439-year sentences

One year for each gold doubloon they planned on stealing.

3. Zac Efron & Joe Jonas Check Out a Vaudeville Show in L.A.

After the show, they waited on a bread line, watched a few silent films about the plight of the suffragette, and played stick ball with the cast of Wizards of Waverly Place.

2. 'Home Alone' house for sale for $2.4 million

Really?  I realize that there are people willing to spend $2.4 million on a house.  But this house is the setting of a feature length film with a plot centered around the house getting robbed.  Anyone born before 1987 could break into that house with their eyes closed.  And I know that Kevin never picked up those micro machines he left in the foyer.

1. Ohio hotel: Half-staff U.S. flag not mourning bin Laden

Again, really?  REALLY!!!?  The citizens of Springfield Ohio always suspected their local Hampton Inn was sympathetic towards terrorists and all related terrorist activity.  None of the other Springfield area hotels offer falafel in their continental breakfasts.  According to the article, they received calls from DOZENS of upset Amuricans.

-The Baker