5. Your EHarmony compatibility scan came back with one match…your mom.
4. The KFC you’re eating at gets shut down for breaking too many health codes. You were in the bathroom. You are now trapped inside.
3. Your doctor tells you that there’s something wrong with your kidneys, then won’t text you back.
2. Jersey Shore get renewed for six more seasons.
1. You drop your new iphone. Siri calls 911. 30 minutes later cops show up at your door investigating a domestic disturbance.