Top 5 Things You Shouldn’t Do On the 4th of July

Top 5 Things You Shouldn’t Do On the 4th of July

Tomorrow is the 4th of July.  Go ahead and celebrate America's birthday. Just try not to incorporate the following five things into your celebration.

5. Point that bottle rocket at me.

GIVE ME THE LIGHTER!

4. Go into that makeshift fireworks tent in front of Denny’s

It’s hard to trust the safety of a product when the man selling it to you is missing both his ring fingers and his right eyebrow.  If you’re going to buy illegal fireworks, do it the right way.  Drive two and a half hours to the border of your respective state, get off at the exit with the giant Uncle Sam statue, ask for Greg, put the box the man hands you in your trunk, and hope for the best.

3. Mistake rudeness for patriotism

Yes sir, I know you’re an American.  Sir, sir…SIR!  Put the bottle down and stop chasing those kids.  I don’t care what they said about your American Flag bowtie.  What?  Yes I think you would win in a fight against them.  Sir, just put the bottle down and go back to your picnic table.  Are you here with anyone?  Okay, let’s go find your wife and, what?  Your wife is the woman over there screaming at that drinking fountain (sighhhhhh)?

2. Stand next to an explosion

There are going to be a lot of them come the night of the 4th.  If you see an assortment of large tubes in the middle of a field or lake, ignore whatever curiosity you have towards them.  Odds are there will be flaming balls of gun powder shooting out of those tubes soon.  RUN!

1. Rob a bank with roman candles

You’re probably thinking the same things I am.

• It sounds like a lot of fun. 

• It puts a much needed spin on the armed robbery game by providing a spectacle for the hostages. 

• It adds a strategic level of unpredictability via the inaccuracy associated with firing roman candles.

• It’s easier (and relatively safer) to buy Roman candles from the tent in front of Denny’s than getting your hands on a gun.

• You’ll become famous regardless of whether or not you pull it off.

Believe me, the more you think about it, the less sane this all sounds.

-The Baker